On the journey – Less walking down the boulevard and more crawling in my skin

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“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” – Thus Spoke Zarathustra

If you’re here and you feel fine, firstly excellent news, well done, I hope it stays that way! I also hope you can still take some insights and perspective away from the below on how someone close to you might be feeling, what they might be facing and where you can support them on their mental health journey.

First steps

What I’ve started is some of my takeaways from my journey and how you may be able to select from the menu of below options to help yours. There is a lot more to be said on this topic, so expect follow-ups in the future.

The journey is…

• …real – this is your pain, what you feel right now is your valid set of feelings. By feeling and facing up, you are now breaking that compartmentalisation I know you do; to keep things under wraps, to hope it’ll just be forgotten about like a wine stain on the table cloth covered up by a coaster. This is not a point-in-time exercise; continually recognising where you are, how you’re feeling, and what is real and where you have come from makes coping with the harder times that much easier. It is less about a holding on/ letting go metaphor that will help, it is being able to shape and front up to what you need to address, what is really getting in the way of your flourishing (because if we aren’t here to flourish what else are we here for?). Do not let others try and invalidate your suffering and struggle with strawman “what aboutism” (what are you depressed about though? You have so much, what about a single parent on low wage job, they are much worse off than you?) that they wouldn’t do if you had a physical injury. I am afraid you cannot escape this reality, but by continually confronting it, giving it a name, giving it shape and form making understanding it, living in it and thriving in it possible. As an aside, life is too short, and your time not struggling with mental health so precious that I suggest that you should cut out/ phase out people who share this more antiquated view of mental health.

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• …labels and learning – labeling things can be helpful to substantiate them, moving it away from some amorphous mental blob that burns to touch and address them. Seeking out diagnoses is scary; All valid concerns in the real of your life (see above), though I do believe there is an element of “if it bleeds we can kill it” here. Finding out you are “disorder” this or “syndrome” that – these things do not define who you are, your values, beliefs and most importantly your self-worth and agency. You are probably aware of research that gives evidence that people who define themselves by a diagnosis, and in a way give away their human agency to the disease, have worse outcomes than those who, whilst they may identify with the disease, maintain their agency and focus on treatment and recovery. Hearing a diagnosis can be hard, but it can be liberating. It is also just the beginning, not the end; it’s a new chapter in your life you will emerge stronger for it from. After you take some deep breaths (it works, honest!), as a next step do some research, use the resources linked here or elsewhere that provide it to you in the format most digestible to you. I am not saying staying abreast of every trend, medical or otherwise for therapeutic pathways. That will bring anyone to a mental logjam! But try to read around the subject, I think it will help normalise where you are to your own self – believing you are normal is half the battle. And you are.

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⚠️🚨 I am not a legal expert nor trained in the legal profession, this is just an opinion from past experiences of mine, peers, and friends 🚨⚠️

• …hard work to share with work – Communicating your situation with work either colleagues, the management or HR can feel daunting and maybe even career-limiting. I am sorry to say that it’s valid to have that concern. Whilst firms preach tolerance, our greedy jobs preach results and delivery in the here and now, being up to speed, relevant and value-add. I don’t doubt professional services and financial firms (and other greedy job industries) are trying to move on from prehistoric attitudes of 7-10 years ago but they are by no means there yet – it remains an incontestable truth that HR is there to protect the firm, not you. The type of jobs we do with their concomitant requirements, responsibilities, hours, stress and uncertainty can make reintegrating hard. So what do you do? Sharing either your current mental state, triggers or diagnosis needs careful consideration on both the how and the why, so in no particular order:
  • Remind yourself why you are in this profession, career, job – and don’t fall foul of the sunk cost fallacy. Take an honest assessment of your career, what drove you here? Was it creativity, teamwork, problem-solving, doing good, playing to your strengths, or learning for the next career move? Have your needs and values changed? What are your needs right now? If so, change your opinion on what you want – that’s how opinions work anyway. Take a core strengths test and see if you are surprised by the result and how it might inform the work you want to do. Think about what a “good enough job” might look like, where you can set stronger boundaries – this doesn’t mean leaving the firm you are in.
  • Look at where you stand legally. There are important workers’ rights in many countries that have mental health as part of their disabilities legislation. This does provide a legal framework for discrimination in the workplace against you for your mental health situation/ diagnosis. In more concrete terms, I’ve heard this discrimination can take the form of being deliberately replaced on work with little to no reason given, put on performance plans due to absence, disregarding occupational health guidance or constructive dismissal.
  • Plan out “your story” of what you share and what you don’t. If this comes as part of an absence requiring a formal return to work then I would say this thinking is especially important. Do this with your support network, I’d start with your trusted friend and validate with an impartial party, perhaps backed up by an occupational health report. Be transparent with management and HR at the same time, sharing primarily the path forwards and what that might mean to work type, pattern, return to work and capacity phase-in. Less on the specifics of the therapeutic pathways, just the bare minimum of commitments you now have. Outside of that, you have flexibility on sharing your story, or to keep confined. This part is unfortunately more of your personal judgment. One option I used is to start small and “control the story” with you getting comfortable with the act of talking about it, and expanding the circle of trust from there.

⚠️🚨 I am not a legal expert nor trained in the legal profession, this is just an opinion from past experiences of mine, peers, and friends🚨⚠️

Keep pushing, moving forwards, you will get there.