On Miswanting – How Yuval Harari changed my life but not how you’d think

1. “Miswanting” is so important to understand because our brains are not wired to let us “want” in a healthy, sustainable way
2. Learn how to re-want and hack your desires in a more holistic and sustainable way
3. Become more attuned to your wants and source them from intrinsic motivation

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Uncommon times

It’s earlyish 2020, the pandemic has kicked in and I’m starting to remember the enjoyment of my own company despite the dire straits the world in general is in at the time. I’m trudging my way through 21 lessons for the 21st century. It’s fine, his earlier works are better.

I used to read voraciously as a child, and again in early adulthood. Then I discovered podcasts and the commute got just that bit easier, a more passive mood, a more passive mode, just let the sounds wash over you to drown out the 140db of relentless wheels on unforgiving rails.

I’m slumped on a sofa and I come to a poignant if over dramatised point (if I ever find my copy I’ll put the quote here) noting that for the developed world educational platforms like MOOCs are fundamentally changing access to knowledge and democratising learning. Hold on then, what skills and knowledge can I acquire just by going back online and diving into some free course from an Ivy League university!?

Miswanting

I don’t know what it was that THAT got me up and thinking, but there we go. I hop skip and jump to the laptop and start scrolling around places like Coursera, HarvardX and so on. A few catch my eye and one, in particular, stands out “The Science of Well-Being”. It does an excellent job of separating science from mysticism on well-being and I would recommend you take the course. It forms the backbone of what follows but offers a lot more – including “re-wiring” exercises that are excellent.

Have you ever strived for a goal or objective, and then after you can bask in the glow of your achievement, the pride and most importantly satisfaction starts to lose their luster? That you just wanted to move on to the next project and associated achievement? You try a project in a different area, but the same thing happens over and over again. This is known as hedonic adaption or the hedonic treadmill. What is worse we often do not recognise what is happening, as our brain almost “snaps back” to the default level of happiness with our achievements – a normalisation of the peaks of pleasure.

Miswanting is the act of being mistaken about what and how much you will be happy with or about something in the future.

What do you miswant anyway?

Often we focus more on what we want and how we can get it, how we fulfill our desires and urges. Less do we reflect on why we want what we want. Consider, what do you want out of life right now? What are you aiming towards? Self-actualisation is a bit of an empty answer, you want certain things out there in the world to be yours, be them tangible or otherwise.

Contenders for the top spot

• Good job (what does that mean? Just the money and status? Think how the greedy job greasy pole works)
• Money and material wealth (do you earn more than ~$75k? likelihood is more money isn’t going to make you happier)
• True love and/ or a perfect family (happiness spiking will often return to the baseline after 2-4 years)
• Perfect body (and isn’t that a rabbit hole p.s. read this)

We are extrinsically motivated to desire along at least 4 main categories

• Status – others will respect your achievement e.g. bump in title
• Access – to get to something you couldn’t get before i.e. a “seat at the top table”
• Power – enabled to do certain things couldn’t do before e.g. set performance ratings
• Stuff – tangible rewards e.g. perks and remuneration

If you asked me even 3 months before I first burnt out I would have told you I had come to my own conclusions in a justified way about what and how I was striving. We live in a frenetic, competitive and status-driven culture and economy. With the sensory overload of modern life and our childhood, it is no wonder we don’t want the things that are actually beneficial to our well-being; nor want them for reasons that are sustainable and beneficial to a flourishing existence. As they say, the unexamined life…

Here are the key problems identified to be at the heart of “Miswanting”

1. Our mind’s strongest intuitions are often totally wrong about what is best for us in the long and short term
2. Our minds judge relative to (salient but irrelevant) reference points, not in absolutes
3. Our minds are built to get used to good or bad things – hedonic adaption plays a strong role here
4. We don’t realise that our minds are built to get used to stuff in general

So how should I “want better”?

We have, I hope, a clear definition of what “miswanting” is and where it comes from. How do we combat it and sidestep nihilism? We need to want the right way about the right things that are sustainably important. There is a message of hope here, we are not confined to a life shackled to the hedonic treadmill. When we re-orientate our perspective somewhat, you will see a better way forward than the one you’re stumbling through now.

There’s a bit to unpack in the above here:

• “the right way” – switch up from your extrinsic motivators to your internal ones. Look for goals that provide you:
  • Competence – accomplishment, achievement, conquering obstacles as personal growth
  • Autonomy – an internal locus of control, I am making the choices not my environment
  • Relatedness – connected to something outside of yourself, a community or individual

• “the right things” – it may seem I am suggesting an objective truth or moral absolutism here. That is not my intention. Indeed things like a perfect family, a great job, and being in great health – there is nothing wrong with wanting those things. It is about the aspects and factors taken into consideration when you analyse why you want them. A “right thing” for me might be not seeking promotion but staying at level continually learning, expanding and playing to my growth mindset. For you, upward mobility and success drive you and play to your signature strengths. Either is fine, but context and drive are key

• “sustainably” – you have to play the long game. There are plenty of short-term coping mechanisms or methods of achievement that seem to hit your intrinsic motivations and goals. How long does that actually last? Are you sure you haven’t just internalised a learned behaviour from your personal or professional environment? Did you just temporarily fool yourself and actually you’re back where you started just older, more stressed, and depressed? This is the hardest part and it only comes with practice – hacking your brain and being mindful of where your needs and wants are coming from is key.

Bringing it back together

• I will leave you with the seminal TEDs on what to want and why
  • Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s TED Talk – Flow, the secret to happiness
  • Carol Dweck’s TED Talk – The power of believing that you can improve
  • Michael Norton’s TEDx Talk – How to buy happiness
  • Matthew Killingsworth’s TED Talk – Want to be happier? Stay in the moment
  • Hedy Kober’s TEDx Talk – How can mindfulness help us
• Concepts are also drawn from Gamification